The quick answer to this question in most cases is NO!
Abandonment is a fairly common issue for adoptees. Even though the logical part of their brain may recognize that they weren’t actually abandoned, that baby who lost his/her mother so very early feels abandoned anyway.
Many birthmothers, particularly those of more mature adoptees, really didn’t have options as far as keeping their child. Family and societal pressures forced them to relinquish their child, even though for many of them it was one of the most traumatic events of their life.
Mothers of younger adoptees may have had options, but may have also realized that a child raising a child is not a good idea, and you can’t offer that child the best life if you can’t even take care of yourself.
It’s important for adoptees to realize that the vast majority of birthmoms carry emotional scars for a lifetime after losing a child to adoption. You don’t carry a child in your womb for 9 months, and then just put it out of your mind. Birthmothers never forget the children that they lose.
This is not to say that there aren’t some women who willingly give up children and don’t look back, but for most birthmothers, they carry their child in their heart for a lifetime, whether or not they ever carried that child in their arms.
For adoptees with abandonment issues, please know that EFT can give you tremendous relief from any pain and anger that you may be feeling, and can lead you to a place of peace in your heart.
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5 comments
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January 17, 2009 at 2:33 AM
Lisa Kay
Please tell me why the birth mothers of us “mature adoptees” – especially the ones whose adoptive parents are nearing the ends of their lives [or have already passed] – are not searching for us? Not only that, but many of us are becoming “orphaned” again with no known parents and siblings.
Some of us are dying early deaths because we don’t know that our birth mothers, aunts, and sisters have been diagnosed with life-threatening genetically influenced conditions.
Dear birthmother, I need you so much at this point in my life.
January 17, 2009 at 3:08 AM
pateft
Lisa Kay,
My heart goes out to you, and there are no easy answers here. Older birthmoms were told that they had no right to search. They believed it, and many still do.
Many older birthmoms were so shamed during their pregnancies that they never told anyone, even their spouse, about the baby they gave up. Once they’ve kept that secret for so many years, they’re afraid to tell the truth.
Another reason is that so many birthmoms have been rejected by the sons or daughters that they searched for and found. Fear of that happening discourages other birthmoms from searching. I can speak to this because I’ve been running an online registry for 17 years, and have dealt with many hundreds of adoptees and birthmothers.
When I started the registry, I wanted to give everyone a happy ending. Now I know that there are far too many unhappy endings. I hope for you, though, Lisa that you find your happy ending one of these days.
January 17, 2009 at 6:36 PM
Lisa Kay
Thank you for the explanation. I needed it both for myself and as an explanation for the naysayers [non-adopted all] who so often flatly state, “If she wanted contact with you, don’t you think she would have done it by now.”
December 20, 2009 at 10:21 PM
ajnos
I am an older adoptee born of an interracial relationship in 1967. I have been actively engaged in a search for a little over a year. I utilized an intermediary service because as far as I know in Illinois it is my only option. The intermediary contacted my birth mother, the birth mother did not respond and refused a certified letter. The intermediary then contacted one of the birth mother’s sisters who refused contact on the grounds of having no knowledge of the adoption. I am really struggling to come to terms with these results and I do not want to end my search. Any insight would be most appreciated.
December 21, 2009 at 4:18 PM
pateft
Sonja, my heart goes out to you. Based on what you said, and on my background of nearly 20 years of working with adoptees and birthmoms, I’m guessing that your birthmom’s pregnancy was a deep, dark secret, and her sister probably didn’t know anything about it.
As a birthmom who gave birth in 1967, I’d have to say that “keeping the secret” was how things were often done back then. If your birthmom is married, there is a good chance that her spouse doesn’t know either. It’s a sad situation, but one that I’ve seen many times. Sometimes the passage of time makes a difference in these kinds of situations.
I think that the most important thing for you to realize is that what’s happening is NOT about you. It’s all about that secret that your birthmom has been keeping for more than 40 years.
Feel free to email me at pat@seeking-serenity.com if you’d like to talk further about this.
Pat