I recently worked with a birthmom named Kathy who had been feeling tremendous guilt over her son, and was feeling responsible for a difficult period that he was going through.  She just knew that it was all her fault.

Using the Inner Theater technique in conjunction with EFT, I had her start to build a mental image of that guilt.  I asked her to tell me about the guilt..what color was it?…what shape was it?…what size was it?  Her immediate response was that the guilt was a big, black ball in her stomach and lower abdomen.  It was covered with dents, as though it had been punched around quite a bit.

I now asked her to describe the physical sensations associated with that guilt.  Where in her body was she feeling it?  What were the physical sensations?  How intense was the emotion associated with the guilt?

Kathy told me that she felt pain in her stomach and lower abdomen, her breathing was constricted, and her whole body felt tight and tense.  She felt a bit nauseated, and became very emotional as we talked.  I asked for the level of her emotional charge, on a scale of zero to 10, with 10 being extreme emotion, and zero being none.  She reported her emotional charge to be around an 8.

We started tapping.

“Even though I have this big, black ball of guilt in my stomach and abdomen, and it really hurts, I deeply and completely love and accept myself, and I’m open to getting rid of this guilt”.

“Even though I was only a teenager when my son was born, I know that all the pain he’s going through is my fault, and I just can’t handle all that guilt”.

“Even though part of me thinks that I deserve to feel bad, and I’m not about to let go of that guilt, because I’m just that stubborn, I deeply and completely love and accept myself, and I hold myself in kindness and compassion.”

When I next checked in with Kathy, she related that what had happened leading up to the birth of her son was ugly and painful, and that she had hurt everyone.  Her emotional charge at that point was 4, so we were making progress.

I asked whether she noticed any change in the black, dented ball of guilt, and she reported that it was becoming more uniform and rounding out, and was no longer black.  It now looked newer and cleaner, and was much smaller, with the size and look of a well used baseball.  We started tapping again.

“Even though that ball of guilt is getting smaller and rounder and my stomach and abdomen are feeling better, I can still feel the guilt, but I’m open to the possibility that I could get rid of ALL of it, and I deeply and completely love and accept myself.”

Now Kathy reported that although her stomach and abdomen were feeling a lot better, her upper arms were really sore and tight.  Her emotional charge at this point was a 3, and more tapping brought that down to a 2.  We continued to tap.

“Even though I  can’t seem to let go of all of the guilt, and I’m holding it in my upper arms, I’m ready to let go of it now, and to bring healing to this issue, and I deeply and completely love and accept myself.”

As we tapped, Kathy told me that the ball was getting smaller and harder to see, and finally it disappeared completely!!  She had no emotional charge any longer, and was even feeling energized, whereas before the session she was considering a nap.

Whether you’re tapping alone or with someone else, EFT and Inner Theater work amazingly well for highly charged issues such as guilt, fear and anger.  Why not give it a try?

Today is my son’s 42nd birthday. For his entire lifetime, I have been miserable and depressed on the day that he was born. I’ve grieved his absence in my life. I’ve wondered whether he had a cake and birthday presents, and who was there to celebrate with him. I was always acutely aware of the empty seat at my table on his birthday.

This year is different! Wonderfully different!!!

I was convinced that I would die without ever having seen my son’s face again. That thought was devastating to me. bdcakeThen, a few weeks back, for the first time since he was a tiny baby, I got to see his face! Only a picture, and not a living person standing in front of me, but I don’t even have the words to describe my happiness and excitement at seeing his handsome face, finally.

In my mind, he was always that tiny baby, bundled in a blanket, and sucking on a bottle. It’s so hard to imagine someone that you’ve only ever seen as a baby growing up..toddler, child, teenager, young adult, grown man. I missed out on so much…

Now I can picture him clearly, looking handsome, fit and happy with his life. What an absolutely amazing gift. I don’t have to wonder any more…now I KNOW.

I am not a part of my son’s life, by his choice, but that doesn’t mean that I’ve given up hope of that ever happening. For now, though, I’ll hold that face in my heart, and shed a few tears of joy as I send him my love and best wishes for a wonderful birthday.


I know that there are many other birthmothers out there who haven’t searched out of fear, who have searched but not found, and who have searched, found and been rejected by their children. The end result is the same for all of them, though…the sons and daughters that they gave up are not a part of their lives, and that hurts.

If you are a birthmom whose child is not a in your life, whatever the reason, you probably have problems with birthdays too, and you yearn for more. I’m hoping that the script below will help.

Tapping Script For Birthmoms Who Are Not Reunited

Setup: Karate chop:

* Even though I hoped for a happy ending just like everyone else does, that didn’t happen, and my son/daughter is not part of my life, but I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself and my child.
* Even though my son/daughter isn’t a part of my life, and that really hurts, I’m not giving up hope that the situation could change, and I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself and my child.
* Even though I’m not sure if I’ll ever have a happy ending, I choose to work on appreciating all the good things in my life, instead of focusing on the negatives, and I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself, and whether he/she is part of my life or not, I love and accept my son/daughter.

Eyebrow: I wish I’d had that happy ending
Outside eye: But that just didn’t happen
Under eye: I’d be thrilled if my son/daughter was part of my life
Under nose: But that’s just not the way it worked out
Chin: I have a huge hole in my heart that hurts
Collar bone: And I’m filled with sadness and regrets
Under arm: My son/daughter isn’t a part of my life
Top of head: And just thinking about that brings tears to my eyes.

Eyebrow: I’m so tired of feeling sad and unhappy all the time
Outside eye: And I’m realizing that I can make a choice
Under eye: I can choose to face life with a smile instead of a frown
Under nose: And I can start letting go of all this sadness
Chin: I’ve been sad for way too long
Collar bone: And it’s time to bring some healing to this
Under arm: Starting to release all these feelings of sadness
Top of head: Letting the sadness flow right out of my body.

Eyebrow: I can’t live my whole life in sadness
Outside eye: And it’s way too late to change the past
Under eye: I can start to feel better about the here and now
Under nose: And that’s what I’m doing by letting go of the sadness
Chin: Continuing to release more and more of that sadness and regret
Collar bone: The more sadness I let go of, the lighter I feel
Under arm: Releasing the last of the sadness
Top of head: As I bring healing to this issue.

Visit my website at EFT4adoption.

Fear of abandonment is a a very common issue for adoptees, as is anger over having been abandoned by their birthmother. After all, if their own biological mother didn’t care enough to stick around and be a part of their life, why should anyone else?

Sadly, many adoptees blame themselves on some deep level that even they don’t really understand. They think that there is something wrong with them, and that’s why the woman who gave birth to them didn’t keep and raise them. Although I’ve never heard of a single case in which this was true in nearly 20 years of working with adoptees and birth families, the feeling is widespread among adoptees.

Adoptees with a fear of abandonment often find it hard to build or sustain relationships with others. For some, they find it easier to hold other people back emotionally in order to avoid involvement, than to open up and let themselves be vulnerable. abandoned

When the very first important person in your life, the woman who carried and gave birth to you, runs off and leaves you, it becomes difficult to trust other people, and to believe that they won’t run off too. Why open yourself up to a potential world of hurt when you can just hide behind that emotional wall you’ve built and keep everyone out? Your history has proven to you that you can’t depend on others to be there for you. It’s not safe to let down that wall. As surely as you do, you’ll be hurt.

Having these kinds of trust and abandonment issues can get in the way of you living your life happily.  EFT can help, though.  Click on the “What The Heck is EFT?” link and find out more about what EFT is, how it works, and what the tapping points are.  Then give the script below a try!

Tapping Script For Fear of Abandonment

Setup: Karate chop:

  • Even though I feel like I can’t trust anyone in my life to stick around and be there for me, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.
  • Even though my birthmother abandoned me and now I’m afraid that everyone else will abandon me too, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.
  • Even though I’d rather keep people at a distance from me than to let them into my life and take a chance that they might hurt me, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself, and I’m considering that it might be time to work on those feelings.

Eyebrow: It’s hard for me to let people into my life
Outside eye: I’m so scared that they’ll abandon me
Under eye: It’s easier to just keep my walls up to protect myself
Under nose: Then to let down the walls and maybe get hurt
Chin: My own birthmother abandoned me
Collar bone: And I never understood why she’d do that
Under arm: I just know that I don’t want to get hurt again
Top of head: So I keep my walls up to keep people away.

Eyebrow: I don’t feel safe when I let myself be vulnerable
Outside eye: Because I don’t feel like I can really depend on anyone else
Under eye: But maybe it’s time to start letting go of that fear
Under nose: And to letting down those walls of mine
Chin: Starting to release my fear of abandonment
Collar bone: A little at a time, in a way that feels safe for me
Under arm: Starting to tear down those walls
Top of head: One brick at a time.

Eyebrow: I have people around me who do care about me
Outside eye: And I can open up my life and my heart to them
Under eye: Releasing my fears about trusting other people
Under nose: Continuing to pull down those protective walls
Chin: Letting go of more and more of that fear of abandonment
Collar bone: Finding the courage to open myself up
Under arm: And starting to feel more connected with the people in my life
Top of head: As I let go of the last of my fear of abandonment.

Visit my website here: Seeking Serenity.

I am birthmother to a 41 year old son. Back when I was pregnant with him, mine was a shameful secret, because only “bad girls” got pregnant. I’m happy to say that the world has changed a lot in that respect. Girls who become pregnant today face a very different set of problems than I did. Many girls today even chose to keep and raise their children, an opportunity that was not imaginable 40 years ago.

Over the last 18 years I have gotten to know many birthmothers who relinquished their children in the sixties and seventies. A lot of them found the support and understanding of other birthmoms, and with time managed to reach a place of peace and acceptance with their past. For women like me, just being able to say “I’m a birthmother” and not feel shamed by that is huge.

Over the years, though, I have also come to know or know of many women who gave their children up in secret, and held cryingbmomonto that secret for their entire lives. Having run an online reunion registry for years, I have heard time after time about adoptees searching for and finding their birthmoms, who then refused to have contact because they had never told another living soul their deep, dark secret. These are the women that I refer to as being in the “birthmom closet”. They’re not happy in there, but they’re scared to death to come out.

These women had a chance to get to know the children that they gave up and grieved over for years, but they refused to do so out of fear. Their spouse doesn’t know their secret. Their other children don’t know their secret. In some cases, even their parents don’t know their secret.

I suggest that it’s time for these scared women to finally come out of the closet. Gone are the days when they had to hang their heads in shame. Work up the courage to open that door and step out, because the world is not nearly as painful for a birthmother who learns to speak openly about her experiences.

I facilitated a number of local support groups over the years, both for birthmothers and for adoptees and birthmothers together. Those meetings were always healing. There were plenty of tears, but the tears helped to wash away the shame. For many birthmoms, myself included, it was extremely healing to talk with adoptees and find out how they felt about their birthmoms. I personally received a tremendous amount of support from adoptees, who always encouraged me to search for the son that I hadn’t felt I had a right to search for.

Look through your local newspaper, and search online for support groups in your area. From the first minute that you connect with other birthmoms, you’ll be so happy that you did. These are women who truly understand your feelings, because they lived through the same experiences that you did.

Even if you find that you don’t have any local support groups, there are many support mailing lists online, through which you can receive daily emails that are nearly as healing and helpful as attending meetings. As you make and nurture the connections to other birthmoms and to adoptees, you’ll find that the support and understanding helps to move you along on your healing journey.

If you are a birthmother still holding onto your secret, and living with the pain every day, I strongly encourage you to take the steps necessary to get out of that stifling closet that you’ve been in for so long. There really can be healing for you, but it’s up to you to take that first step, and when you’ve done that, each step after will be a bit easier.

To all birthmothers, I wish you healing and peace of mind, and never forget that you’re not alone on this journey.

Visit my website: EFT4adoption.

Natalie Flowers is a birthmother who recently reconnected with her now grown son. The story below was in an email she sent me, and I asked Natalie if I could share it, because she expresses herself so beautifully. Not one letter has been changed.


At this moment I don’t have anybody to tell this to who would understand at 8:24 in the morning and is a birthmother.

Last night my son arrived, sans girlfriend, stood at the front door of a man whom I consider to be my dearest friend.

Since my son’s arrival there has been a many years gap where people who were around me didn’t know that he was actually missing in action in my life. By my choice, by his parents’ decisions, by timing that went awry, we just didn’t get to see one another very often. As much as I have talked about it to therapists and to my close friends, there was no way to describe the emptiness inside me, a space left carved out of my heart in the shape of Spencer, the beautiful being whom I bore.

This is the dinner party with professional gay men. Intelligent, kind, literate professionals with tendencies toward traditional family recipes, wine consumption, and world travel. Truly, only four of them have known that I was a singer, and it is hardly ever discussed. Mostly I go to be part of my friend George’s extended family, to listen to his latest discoveries in personal growth, to love on his dogs, and to bask in the luxurious social environment that he creates in his home to share with all of us.

So last night Spencer entered this space of tender travelers and met George for the first time. We ate some delicious home made food, and while sitting at a table I realized that the man across from me was someone who used to collect my music and promote it in his own small way to everyone he spoke to, and as he was talking to Spencer and to me, he asked Spencer “How do you know George?” And Spencer answered “Through her.” And he pointed to me.

Then the gentleman pried some more. It wasn’t painful, simply a need for more detail, so Spencer eventually said to him “She is my biological mom.”

This particular moment is something you dread, the uncomfortable surface of an old and now ancient memory of a moment so painful that it burns into your psyche like a sankara. No matter how many times you play it in your head you cannot imagine that it will be easy when the words slip out, or that the person receiving them will even grasp the scope of all that they represent.

Of course, this man never knew that I had a child. It explains a lot about my past behavior and why I have written so many songs about loss, the other side of midnight, and being devoured by insatiable longing for connectedness and trust in something greater than myself.

The next phase is then “Why, I can see the resemblance!” which, of course, makes me secretly beam.

In fact, I think I notice a beam between Spencer and me, there at the table, a beautiful light of love that saturates us, and all of the feelings of dread and inadequacy fall away for moments I never dreamed would happen.

As much as your rational adult side tells you that you will one day be with your child and have a decent relationship with him, the irrational side of you thinks nothing of dashing your hopes to the rocks, over and over, like waves in a mighty ocean.

I am sitting in a moment I knew would happen and I can see the brevity of every breath and every bit of beauty there is in it!

This must be the God people are talking about!

Spencer navigated well in the crowd of beautiful men. He is a tolerant, flexible spirit who is very convincing when he is sold on something. I am eating dip and watching him from afar. George starts telling stories about the adoption, how Spencer almost ended up with him instead of Rick and Cheryl, but how Byron, then his other half, wanted a life of passion and travel and didn’t have room for children. I remember, I was there when he said it. I also breathe a secret sigh of relief that my friend Byron didn’t raise my kid. I’m not sure he would have done any better than I. It is merely a game to put all of this in retrospect.

I KNEW I wasn’t ready. I didn’t have a job, or a home, or even the beginnings of a home (I was living with someone’s grandmother), my life was essentially full of all of the reasons why you do not insert a child into the fabric of society when you have nothing to offer because you are young and immature and have spent your life blaming others for your mistakes. I might have produced a person destined to become a psychotherapist. Instead, Rick and Cheryl allowed his expansion through loving him. However imperfect that situation seemed to me at the time, the developments in Spencer tell me that they did something absolutely right, and I must credit them here, as much as I used to think I would never do that. I know that I have wronged them in some way.

George would have made room for Spencer, but it wasn’t meant to be. It has been one of life’s greatest losses for me for my son not to have met the people whom I considered to be my family. I so wanted to share them with him, their wisdom, humor, and insight. How much compassion can you have poured into your life by a family of human beings? Mine has been like an endless pitcher of that very substance, over and over again I am reminded that I have been able to cope with all of my circumstances by the grace of something I cannot see or even talk about, and it arrives unexpectedly and offers me a home whenever I am in need, food when I am hungry, hugs when I need them, reality checks when I am not being real. This is what I received in exchange for giving my son up for adoption. I got a spiritual welding job.

As the party drew to a close, I got to sing for the group so now they really know what I do, and after Spencer left, George leaned into me and said “Natalie, I just LOVE him! He so reminds me of you, the greater half of you, he is so much like you!” I knew this would happen. I knew that they would get along and even perhaps know one another from before, because that’s just how it is. Some of us do. George has been reminding me of this for most of my life.

As I write this blog post, I’m mad…really mad. I got a phone call from an adoptee. This isn’t an adoptee that I know, it’s a complete stranger who reached out to me, knowing that I had been running an online reunion registry for many years. Her issue? Her adoptive parents refuse to tell her one single thing about her birth family!

This young woman was very upset. It was clear that finding her birth family was important to her. It was something that she wanted very badly. Her voice was filled with emotion, and it was obvious that she was crying. If the importance of this was so very clear to me, an absolute stranger, how could the parents that raised her turn their backs on her and refuse to help or support her?

I’m sorry, people, but I don’t and never will understand this mindset. As a mother myself, I can’t imagine refusing to help one of my kids with something as important to them as finding her birthfamily was to this adoptee.

It’s bad enough that government conspires against adoptees in most states, and refuses to let them find out who they are and where they come from. Even something as basic and critical as family medical history is denied adoptees. I have personally known several adoptees who died because they were unaware of a medical history that put them at risk. This is unacceptable!

In my mind, the final insult is the refusal of some parents to support their sons and daughters in their desire to find their families of origin. Not every adoptee wants to search, but many adoptees feel that this is of importance in their lives, and when this is the case, it is vital for adoptive parents to support their sons and daughters through this process.

This is NOT a post including a lovely tapping script, because the main person who needs to tap right now is ME!

“Even though it infuriates me that this young woman’s parents refuse to support her in her search…”

Back to EFT4adoption.

A truly thought provoking article by guest blogger and adoptee Jane Besmehn.

I was adopted at the age of 5 months old. That was in 1941. I was born in December of 1940. Back then many mothers went to birthing hospitals to have their babies and stayed with the baby for three months so that the baby could nurse and get a good start.

My mother didn’t positively decide to release me to an adoption agency until the last minute. It is my understanding that she agonized over the decision. I went to the adoption agency at the age of three months and then was adopted when I was five months old. By the age of five months, I had been moved three times.

I have eight kids of my own. Every one of those babies knew me at birth! There is no question in my mind that they knew me and would have been affected if I would not have kept them, even if they had been removed from me at birth.

My head understands how difficult it would have been for my birth mother to keep me. I intellectually understand the pressure she was under to give me up… away. I guess giving “up” a baby for adoption sounds better than “giving away.” I feel very strongly that she did love me and that she probably had limited options and resources and was also convinced that I would have a better life in a stable family.

My adoptive parents were good folks, educated, mature, owned their home. They weren’t my mother. They had an adopted son, he was eight years older than me, and they adopted another little girl three years after they adopted me. We were pretty much middle-class America.

I had little books of nursery rhymes. Three Little Kittens… picture for a minute a little girl, about three, sitting on the carpeted floor of a living room cutting the mittens out of the book and pasting them back with the kittens. There is another nursery rhyme called A Tisket A Tasket… I sat on the floor and cut the letters she wrote to her love out of the book and pasted them back in the green and yellow basket… no one thought it strange… just “cute.”

My second grade teacher wrote on my report card, “Jane seems to be hiding her light under a barrel.” How perceptive. No one else noticed.

One of my favorite books was Lassie Come Home and I read it probably about 20 times or more during my pre-teen and teen years. I always cried hard at the end when Lassie finally made the journey home and was reunited with her people. In fact, I’m still crying, now, as I type. I see the connection, why I read the book so many times, why I cried so hard, then, and now. I have spent my life trying to put things together that belong together. And today, I’m seeing how futile that has been, because all I ever really wanted was my mother.

Because of some archaic laws, I can’t even know her name.

None of the people in my story are villains, it’s a story without the bad guys. Everyone involved including my mother, my adoptive parents and the Children’s Home Society staff had good intentions and acted in what they truly believed to be my best interest. Maybe that is the danger in believing any one can really know what is in the best interest of another; but something needed to be done. I understand that; and outwardly, I did have a good childhood.

Inside, however, it’s a different story. I was odd. I never fit in. I felt displaced and still do. I never tried to excel in anything, just settled for a very mediocre life. It was too risky to risk, and besides, a very long time ago I made a vow that no one would ever get to know me or see me, who I really am. That decision partly came out of an ongoing conflict I had for most of my childhood with my adoptive mother. Nothing I was interested in was interesting to her, or even acceptable. I was a tomboy and she adopted a girl. I wanted to learn to play the guitar, she had me take accordion lessons because we already had one and my little sister was taking lessons. I wanted a horse. Of course, I couldn’t have one. She wanted me to go to college, I wanted away from school, period…! I was so uncomfortable in any social or academic setting where I had to interact with others. I only had one or two friends at a time. I didn’t keep any of them. I chose to be alone.

I was constantly having stomach problems (which I kept completely to myself… I did not believe it was safe to do anything to rock the boat and I got in trouble when I threw up.) I remember lying very still on my back while I fell asleep at night, afraid to move because if I did it felt like I would throw up. No one knew. Not their fault. I didn’t tell anyone. I did not trust. I still don’t trust. That is the story of my life to now. It has affected me in everything that I have attempted to do, hold a job, start a business, stay in a relationship, even hold on to friendships. I always sabotage relationships, or myself, and still do. It’s safer to live that way than to trust and risk hurt. I don’t even know how to trust and all my behavior is designed to protect me from ever having to feel the full pain of separation again.

Slowly the pieces are fitting together and the way I have lived my life is making some sense to me. From that place, I will be able to make some choices about how I will spend the rest of my life. EFT will help.

I’ve been working with adoptees for nearly 20 years now, and I thought I had heard pretty much every regret there was to hear from an adoptee, but yesterday I heard one I hadn’t heard before, and it caused me to feel a profound sadness.

An adoptee contacted me about scheduling an EFT session, and on my intake form she said that one of her biggest regrets was having been born. She was feeling abandoned by her birth family, but also apparently never really felt like she was a part of her adoptive family, so she was feeling totally isolated and alone, and wished she hadn’t been born.

By the end of our conversation this adoptee realized that she wasn’t feeling strong enough to face her demons, so no session was scheduled, but I was left feeling that I needed to reach out none the less.

I dedicate the tapping script below to the adoptees who feel totally alone in the world. Please know that you’re not.

Setup:

Even though I feel like I’m completely alone in the world and don’t belong anywhere, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.

Even though I feel so alone that I wish I’d never been born, and that’s a terrible way to feel, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.

Even though I feel isolated and alone, and my birth family didn’t want me, but I don’t feel like part of my adoptive family either, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself, and I choose to consider that there are people in my life who love me and care about me.

Reminders:

Eyebrow: I feel so alone in the world
Side of eye: I don’t feel like I have a family
Under eye: My birth family didn’t want me
Under nose: But I don’t feel like a part of my adoptive family
Chin: I’m tired of feeling so alone in the world
Collar bone: I wish I’d never been born
Under arm: This is so painful for me
Top of head: And I’m tired of hurting and feeling alone.

Eyebrow: I don’t have a family
Side of eye: Or maybe I do
Under eye: I’m completely alone in the world
Under nose: Or maybe I’m not
Chin: I feel so isolated and alone
Collar bone: But maybe I need to find another way to look at that
Under arm: Maybe I have people around me
Top of head: Who genuinely care.

Eyebrow: Choosing to work on releasing the feeling of isolation
Side of eye: Letting that feeling drain right out of my body
Under eye: Choosing to recognize the people around me
Under nose: Who truly do care about me
Chin: Letting go of the feelings of loneliness and isolation
Collar bone: Letting those feelings flow
Under arm: And then letting them go
Top of head: Replacing them with an energy of peace and healing.

Back to EFT4adoption.

Today is Birthmother’s Day. Birthmother’s Day was created by a group of Seattle area birthmothers, in an effort not only to educate, but more importantly, to honor and remember. The first gathering was on the Saturday before Mother’s Day 1990.

If you are an adoptee, today is a day to honor the woman that gave you life. Even if she is not a part of your life, she deserves to be honored.

If you’re a birthmom, please take some time to honor yourself. As a birthmom myself, I can speak to how seldom we do that for ourselves, but it’s something that we need to do much more of.

Adoptee Tapping for Your Birthmom

Karate chop:

  • Even though she isn’t the person who raised me, I’m taking time today to honor my birthmother.
  • Even though I have a family that I love, I’m taking time today to honor my birthmom and to send love to her.
  • Because I know how hard it must have been for my birthmom to give me up, and because I care, I’m taking time today to honor my birthmom for giving me life.

Reminders:

Eyebrow: I honor my birthmom
Outside eye: She gave me life
Under eye: I appreciate my birthmom
Under nose: She gave me a loving family
Chin: I send healing to my birthmom
Collar bone: I know how hard it was for her
Under arm: I honor my birthmom
Top of head: For all she did for me

Eyebrow: I honor my birthmom
Outside eye: I send her positive energy
Under eye: I appreciate my birthmom
Under nose: I’m so grateful to her
Chin: Sending healing to my birthmom
Collar bone: To heal the pain she carries
Under arm: I honor my birthmom
Top of head: For all she did for me

Birthmom Tapping: Honoring Yourself

Karate chop:

  • Even though I didn’t get to raise my child, and it hurts to think about that, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.
  • Even though I had to give my child up and that always left a hole in my heart, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.
  • Even though I never got to mother my child, and that hurts a lot, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself, and I hold myself in kindness and compassion.

Reminders:

Eyebrow: Today is my day
Outside eye: And I honor myself
Under eye: For giving my child life
Under nose: I remind myself
Chin: Of what a strong woman I am
Collar bone: I choose to transform my pain
Under arm: About the child I lost
Top of head: Into an energy of healing and peace.

Eyebrow: I’m a survivor
Outside eye: And I honor myself for that
Under eye: I am so strong
Under nose: And I appreciate that about me
Chin: Giving up my child was so hard
Collar bone: But I choose to bring healing to that
Under arm: Letting go of the pain
Top of head: Replacing it with peace and serenity.

I have had that question directed at me many times over the last 18 years by adoptees in closed adoptions with whom I was working.

Yes, they may very well have had a loving family and a nearly perfect childhood, and they may adore their parents, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t have lots of unanswered questions.

Such adoptees look around and see their friends next to blood relatives, with similar physical features and similar mannerisms. They see family pictures of others and marvel over how much some family members look alike. They watch as others they know smile in a certain way or tap their foot just like another family member.

For adoptees in closed adoptions, there is none of this synchronicity. No matter how well they are loved, they don’t have another human being (until they have children of their own) that they can look at and see common features.

This may not sound like it’s very important to people outside of the adoption triad, but to many adoptees, it’s very important. They long to see someone that looks like them…that has their eyes or their hair or their long skinny feet. They yearn for the synchronicity that all their friends take for granted.

After having facilitated many reunions over the years, I’ve found that one of the first things the adoptees say to me afterward is something along the lines of, “She has hands and fingers exactly like mine!”.

The saddest part about this yearning of many adoptees in closed adoptions is how many of their parents don’t recognize the importance of supporting them if they chose to search, and being there for them. Many adoptive parents are threatened by an adult adoptee wanting to find birth family. While I understand that this is fueled by fear of losing the adoptee, these parents need to put the best interests of their child first.

Support your son or daughter as they search. Share with them whatever they find. Celebrate with them if they end up in a happy reunion. Comfort them if they don’t. Be there for THEM 100%. They need that, and they deserve it.

The extra bit of good news here is that you’ll find that if you support your son or daughter in this way, it will draw the two of you closer, and will enhance your relationship. That way, everyone wins!

Not quite at that winning place yet? If you’re an adoptee searching for your birthfamily, or an adoptive parent feeling threatened by your searching child, EFT can make a difference. Find out more by clicking on the “What the Heck is EFT?” link above.