You are currently browsing the monthly archive for October 2009.

Today is my son’s 42nd birthday. For his entire lifetime, I have been miserable and depressed on the day that he was born. I’ve grieved his absence in my life. I’ve wondered whether he had a cake and birthday presents, and who was there to celebrate with him. I was always acutely aware of the empty seat at my table on his birthday.

This year is different! Wonderfully different!!!

I was convinced that I would die without ever having seen my son’s face again. That thought was devastating to me. bdcakeThen, a few weeks back, for the first time since he was a tiny baby, I got to see his face! Only a picture, and not a living person standing in front of me, but I don’t even have the words to describe my happiness and excitement at seeing his handsome face, finally.

In my mind, he was always that tiny baby, bundled in a blanket, and sucking on a bottle. It’s so hard to imagine someone that you’ve only ever seen as a baby growing up..toddler, child, teenager, young adult, grown man. I missed out on so much…

Now I can picture him clearly, looking handsome, fit and happy with his life. What an absolutely amazing gift. I don’t have to wonder any more…now I KNOW.

I am not a part of my son’s life, by his choice, but that doesn’t mean that I’ve given up hope of that ever happening. For now, though, I’ll hold that face in my heart, and shed a few tears of joy as I send him my love and best wishes for a wonderful birthday.

I know that there are many other birthmothers out there who haven’t searched out of fear, who have searched but not found, and who have searched, found and been rejected by their children. The end result is the same for all of them, though…the sons and daughters that they gave up are not a part of their lives, and that hurts.

If you are a birthmom whose child is not a in your life, whatever the reason, you probably have problems with birthdays too, and you yearn for more. I’m hoping that the script below will help.

Tapping Script For Birthmoms Who Are Not Reunited

Setup: Karate chop:

* Even though I hoped for a happy ending just like everyone else does, that didn’t happen, and my son/daughter is not part of my life, but I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself and my child.
* Even though my son/daughter isn’t a part of my life, and that really hurts, I’m not giving up hope that the situation could change, and I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself and my child.
* Even though I’m not sure if I’ll ever have a happy ending, I choose to work on appreciating all the good things in my life, instead of focusing on the negatives, and I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself, and whether he/she is part of my life or not, I love and accept my son/daughter.

Eyebrow: I wish I’d had that happy ending
Outside eye: But that just didn’t happen
Under eye: I’d be thrilled if my son/daughter was part of my life
Under nose: But that’s just not the way it worked out
Chin: I have a huge hole in my heart that hurts
Collar bone: And I’m filled with sadness and regrets
Under arm: My son/daughter isn’t a part of my life
Top of head: And just thinking about that brings tears to my eyes.

Eyebrow: I’m so tired of feeling sad and unhappy all the time
Outside eye: And I’m realizing that I can make a choice
Under eye: I can choose to face life with a smile instead of a frown
Under nose: And I can start letting go of all this sadness
Chin: I’ve been sad for way too long
Collar bone: And it’s time to bring some healing to this
Under arm: Starting to release all these feelings of sadness
Top of head: Letting the sadness flow right out of my body.

Eyebrow: I can’t live my whole life in sadness
Outside eye: And it’s way too late to change the past
Under eye: I can start to feel better about the here and now
Under nose: And that’s what I’m doing by letting go of the sadness
Chin: Continuing to release more and more of that sadness and regret
Collar bone: The more sadness I let go of, the lighter I feel
Under arm: Releasing the last of the sadness
Top of head: As I bring healing to this issue.

Visit my website at EFT4adoption.


Fear of abandonment is a a very common issue for adoptees, as is anger over having been abandoned by their birthmother. After all, if their own biological mother didn’t care enough to stick around and be a part of their life, why should anyone else?

Sadly, many adoptees blame themselves on some deep level that even they don’t really understand. They think that there is something wrong with them, and that’s why the woman who gave birth to them didn’t keep and raise them. Although I’ve never heard of a single case in which this was true in nearly 20 years of working with adoptees and birth families, the feeling is widespread among adoptees.

Adoptees with a fear of abandonment often find it hard to build or sustain relationships with others. For some, they find it easier to hold other people back emotionally in order to avoid involvement, than to open up and let themselves be vulnerable. abandoned

When the very first important person in your life, the woman who carried and gave birth to you, runs off and leaves you, it becomes difficult to trust other people, and to believe that they won’t run off too. Why open yourself up to a potential world of hurt when you can just hide behind that emotional wall you’ve built and keep everyone out? Your history has proven to you that you can’t depend on others to be there for you. It’s not safe to let down that wall. As surely as you do, you’ll be hurt.

Having these kinds of trust and abandonment issues can get in the way of you living your life happily.  EFT can help, though.  Click on the “What The Heck is EFT?” link and find out more about what EFT is, how it works, and what the tapping points are.  Then give the script below a try!

Tapping Script For Fear of Abandonment

Setup: Karate chop:

  • Even though I feel like I can’t trust anyone in my life to stick around and be there for me, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.
  • Even though my birthmother abandoned me and now I’m afraid that everyone else will abandon me too, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.
  • Even though I’d rather keep people at a distance from me than to let them into my life and take a chance that they might hurt me, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself, and I’m considering that it might be time to work on those feelings.

Eyebrow: It’s hard for me to let people into my life
Outside eye: I’m so scared that they’ll abandon me
Under eye: It’s easier to just keep my walls up to protect myself
Under nose: Then to let down the walls and maybe get hurt
Chin: My own birthmother abandoned me
Collar bone: And I never understood why she’d do that
Under arm: I just know that I don’t want to get hurt again
Top of head: So I keep my walls up to keep people away.

Eyebrow: I don’t feel safe when I let myself be vulnerable
Outside eye: Because I don’t feel like I can really depend on anyone else
Under eye: But maybe it’s time to start letting go of that fear
Under nose: And to letting down those walls of mine
Chin: Starting to release my fear of abandonment
Collar bone: A little at a time, in a way that feels safe for me
Under arm: Starting to tear down those walls
Top of head: One brick at a time.

Eyebrow: I have people around me who do care about me
Outside eye: And I can open up my life and my heart to them
Under eye: Releasing my fears about trusting other people
Under nose: Continuing to pull down those protective walls
Chin: Letting go of more and more of that fear of abandonment
Collar bone: Finding the courage to open myself up
Under arm: And starting to feel more connected with the people in my life
Top of head: As I let go of the last of my fear of abandonment.

Visit my website here: Seeking Serenity.

I am birthmother to a 41 year old son. Back when I was pregnant with him, mine was a shameful secret, because only “bad girls” got pregnant. I’m happy to say that the world has changed a lot in that respect. Girls who become pregnant today face a very different set of problems than I did. Many girls today even chose to keep and raise their children, an opportunity that was not imaginable 40 years ago.

Over the last 18 years I have gotten to know many birthmothers who relinquished their children in the sixties and seventies. A lot of them found the support and understanding of other birthmoms, and with time managed to reach a place of peace and acceptance with their past. For women like me, just being able to say “I’m a birthmother” and not feel shamed by that is huge.

Over the years, though, I have also come to know or know of many women who gave their children up in secret, and held cryingbmomonto that secret for their entire lives. Having run an online reunion registry for years, I have heard time after time about adoptees searching for and finding their birthmoms, who then refused to have contact because they had never told another living soul their deep, dark secret. These are the women that I refer to as being in the “birthmom closet”. They’re not happy in there, but they’re scared to death to come out.

These women had a chance to get to know the children that they gave up and grieved over for years, but they refused to do so out of fear. Their spouse doesn’t know their secret. Their other children don’t know their secret. In some cases, even their parents don’t know their secret.

I suggest that it’s time for these scared women to finally come out of the closet. Gone are the days when they had to hang their heads in shame. Work up the courage to open that door and step out, because the world is not nearly as painful for a birthmother who learns to speak openly about her experiences.

I facilitated a number of local support groups over the years, both for birthmothers and for adoptees and birthmothers together. Those meetings were always healing. There were plenty of tears, but the tears helped to wash away the shame. For many birthmoms, myself included, it was extremely healing to talk with adoptees and find out how they felt about their birthmoms. I personally received a tremendous amount of support from adoptees, who always encouraged me to search for the son that I hadn’t felt I had a right to search for.

Look through your local newspaper, and search online for support groups in your area. From the first minute that you connect with other birthmoms, you’ll be so happy that you did. These are women who truly understand your feelings, because they lived through the same experiences that you did.

Even if you find that you don’t have any local support groups, there are many support mailing lists online, through which you can receive daily emails that are nearly as healing and helpful as attending meetings. As you make and nurture the connections to other birthmoms and to adoptees, you’ll find that the support and understanding helps to move you along on your healing journey.

If you are a birthmother still holding onto your secret, and living with the pain every day, I strongly encourage you to take the steps necessary to get out of that stifling closet that you’ve been in for so long. There really can be healing for you, but it’s up to you to take that first step, and when you’ve done that, each step after will be a bit easier.

To all birthmothers, I wish you healing and peace of mind, and never forget that you’re not alone on this journey.

Visit my website: EFT4adoption.