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Fear of abandonment is a a very common issue for adoptees, as is anger over having been abandoned by their birthmother. After all, if their own biological mother didn’t care enough to stick around and be a part of their life, why should anyone else?

Sadly, many adoptees blame themselves on some deep level that even they don’t really understand. They think that there is something wrong with them, and that’s why the woman who gave birth to them didn’t keep and raise them. Although I’ve never heard of a single case in which this was true in nearly 20 years of working with adoptees and birth families, the feeling is widespread among adoptees.

Adoptees with a fear of abandonment often find it hard to build or sustain relationships with others. For some, they find it easier to hold other people back emotionally in order to avoid involvement, than to open up and let themselves be vulnerable. abandoned

When the very first important person in your life, the woman who carried and gave birth to you, runs off and leaves you, it becomes difficult to trust other people, and to believe that they won’t run off too. Why open yourself up to a potential world of hurt when you can just hide behind that emotional wall you’ve built and keep everyone out? Your history has proven to you that you can’t depend on others to be there for you. It’s not safe to let down that wall. As surely as you do, you’ll be hurt.

Having these kinds of trust and abandonment issues can get in the way of you living your life happily.  EFT can help, though.  Click on the “What The Heck is EFT?” link and find out more about what EFT is, how it works, and what the tapping points are.  Then give the script below a try!

Tapping Script For Fear of Abandonment

Setup: Karate chop:

  • Even though I feel like I can’t trust anyone in my life to stick around and be there for me, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.
  • Even though my birthmother abandoned me and now I’m afraid that everyone else will abandon me too, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.
  • Even though I’d rather keep people at a distance from me than to let them into my life and take a chance that they might hurt me, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself, and I’m considering that it might be time to work on those feelings.

Eyebrow: It’s hard for me to let people into my life
Outside eye: I’m so scared that they’ll abandon me
Under eye: It’s easier to just keep my walls up to protect myself
Under nose: Then to let down the walls and maybe get hurt
Chin: My own birthmother abandoned me
Collar bone: And I never understood why she’d do that
Under arm: I just know that I don’t want to get hurt again
Top of head: So I keep my walls up to keep people away.

Eyebrow: I don’t feel safe when I let myself be vulnerable
Outside eye: Because I don’t feel like I can really depend on anyone else
Under eye: But maybe it’s time to start letting go of that fear
Under nose: And to letting down those walls of mine
Chin: Starting to release my fear of abandonment
Collar bone: A little at a time, in a way that feels safe for me
Under arm: Starting to tear down those walls
Top of head: One brick at a time.

Eyebrow: I have people around me who do care about me
Outside eye: And I can open up my life and my heart to them
Under eye: Releasing my fears about trusting other people
Under nose: Continuing to pull down those protective walls
Chin: Letting go of more and more of that fear of abandonment
Collar bone: Finding the courage to open myself up
Under arm: And starting to feel more connected with the people in my life
Top of head: As I let go of the last of my fear of abandonment.

Visit my website here: Seeking Serenity.

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I’ve been working with adoptees for nearly 20 years now, and I thought I had heard pretty much every regret there was to hear from an adoptee, but yesterday I heard one I hadn’t heard before, and it caused me to feel a profound sadness.

An adoptee contacted me about scheduling an EFT session, and on my intake form she said that one of her biggest regrets was having been born. She was feeling abandoned by her birth family, but also apparently never really felt like she was a part of her adoptive family, so she was feeling totally isolated and alone, and wished she hadn’t been born.

By the end of our conversation this adoptee realized that she wasn’t feeling strong enough to face her demons, so no session was scheduled, but I was left feeling that I needed to reach out none the less.

I dedicate the tapping script below to the adoptees who feel totally alone in the world. Please know that you’re not.

Setup:

Even though I feel like I’m completely alone in the world and don’t belong anywhere, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.

Even though I feel so alone that I wish I’d never been born, and that’s a terrible way to feel, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.

Even though I feel isolated and alone, and my birth family didn’t want me, but I don’t feel like part of my adoptive family either, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself, and I choose to consider that there are people in my life who love me and care about me.

Reminders:

Eyebrow: I feel so alone in the world
Side of eye: I don’t feel like I have a family
Under eye: My birth family didn’t want me
Under nose: But I don’t feel like a part of my adoptive family
Chin: I’m tired of feeling so alone in the world
Collar bone: I wish I’d never been born
Under arm: This is so painful for me
Top of head: And I’m tired of hurting and feeling alone.

Eyebrow: I don’t have a family
Side of eye: Or maybe I do
Under eye: I’m completely alone in the world
Under nose: Or maybe I’m not
Chin: I feel so isolated and alone
Collar bone: But maybe I need to find another way to look at that
Under arm: Maybe I have people around me
Top of head: Who genuinely care.

Eyebrow: Choosing to work on releasing the feeling of isolation
Side of eye: Letting that feeling drain right out of my body
Under eye: Choosing to recognize the people around me
Under nose: Who truly do care about me
Chin: Letting go of the feelings of loneliness and isolation
Collar bone: Letting those feelings flow
Under arm: And then letting them go
Top of head: Replacing them with an energy of peace and healing.

Back to EFT4adoption.

For far too many adoptees, the title above describes accurately how they feel. All the paperwork may have been done, the court appearances may have been made, and all the legal technicalities may have been worked out, but none of those things makes an adoptee feel that they are truly part of a family.

So many adoptees that I have worked with over the years have never truly felt that they are part of the family that adopted them. This is particularly true for adoptees whose families have had children of their own the old fashioned way.

Adults may not think that the things they say are noticed, but children have a way of hearing things at family gatherings like, “Oh, that’s their adopted daughter Mary”. Emphasis on adopted. They aren’t saying “That’s their daughter Mary”. Very different! That kind of thing tells a child immediately that there is something different about them. They may not have any idea what that difference is, but they know that they’re not quite the same as the rest of their family members.

Then there’s school to deal with. Neighbors talk. Their children hear. Those things they hear are then repeated at school. “Mary, I know that’s not your real mother! Your real mother didn’t want you and gave you away!”. Hearing something like that goes a long way toward improving that adoptee’s self esteem and confidence. How can you feel good about yourself if you think you’re a “throw-away kid”? And you know that your school mates think that too. Painful stuff there.

There are so many things that can contribute to an adoptee’s feeling of not fitting into their family that I couldn’t possibly talk about them all, but starting out with the feeling that you’ve been abandoned, as so many adoptees do, certainly doesn’t help. Sadly, this is not a topic likely to be discussed with parents, who might offer support. What child would say to their parents that they don’t feel like a part of the family? None that I know.

What I do know, however, is that adult adoptees who are still dealing with this issue can get relief through EFT. A few rounds of tapping can most likely turn around that feeling of not fitting in, and make you feel more comfortable with yourself and who you are. Turn that discomfort into a feeling of comfort and peace with EFT.

Example Setup Phrase:
Even though I’m so sad that Uncle XXX said things that made me feel like I wasn’t part of my own family, I deeply and completely love and accept myself, and I choose to consider that I might actually really be part of this family.

Back to No More Adoption Pain

Anger — we all feel it, but not many people find it acceptable. When we were children, most of us were encouraged not to show our anger, and we carried that habit over into adulthood. We get angry about all kinds of things, but we’ve learned over time how to “stuff those feelings down”. Maybe we smoke a cigarette, maybe we have a drink, or maybe we go around the block until we’ve walked it off, but we seldom let others see or know that we’re angry.

There is lots of anger in the adoption triad. We’ve got angry adoptees, angry birthmothers and angry adoptive parents. To each of us, our anger feel justified, and it may be.

Adoptees are often angry because they feel that they’ve been abandoned. In their minds, their birthmother saw them as an inconvenience, and it was far easier to let somebody else raise their child than to raise it themselves. Very seldom is this actually true, but lots of adoptees feel this way.

Other adoptees are angry that they have been, as they see it, victimized by the adoption community. The decision about where and how they would live their lives was made by others, and even as adults they’re not allowed to know about their families of origin. This is an anger that I feel is well justified, and I’d like to think that at some point the system will be reformed so that adult adoptees can always find out where they came from. Everyone deserves that right.

Birthmothers have their share of anger. Many are angry at their families and “the system” for forcing them to relinquish children that they didn’t want to give up. That anger is intensified by the fact that birthmoms are not expected to or encouraged to express grief over the loss of their child, but are instead told to “forget it and move on”.

Birthmothers have virtually no rights when it comes to getting non-identifying information so that they can find their children. That makes it mighty hard for a birthmom to search and find. This is still another reason (again, justified) for anger on the part of birthmoms.

Adoptive parents feel that they have plenty to be angry about, too. Many get angry at their children if they decide to search for their birthfamily. They feel betrayed, theatened, or just plain jealous, and therefore they are angry. Some are also angry at birth family members who have found their children. These parents harbor the feeling that once relinquishment papers are signed, a birth parent has given up any right to ever know the child.

So much anger, for so many reasons… Anger is usually an uncomfortable thing to deal with, and we end up with guilt on top of that anger. EFT is the most effective method that I’ve ever found for dealing with anger. Once you zero in on an incident that made you angry, and tap through 2 or 3 rounds, the anger is often totally gone, and you are left with a feeling of peace and calmness that is far more pleasant than anger.

Why not give EFT a try for your anger? Five minutes of tapping might just give you the relief that you’ve been hoping for.

Back to No More Adoption Pain

The quick answer to this question in most cases is NO!

Abandonment is a fairly common issue for adoptees. Even though the logical part of their brain may recognize that they weren’t actually abandoned, that baby who lost his/her mother so very early feels abandoned anyway.

Many birthmothers, particularly those of more mature adoptees, really didn’t have options as far as keeping their child. Family and societal pressures forced them to relinquish their child, even though for many of them it was one of the most traumatic events of their life.

Mothers of younger adoptees may have had options, but may have also realized that a child raising a child is not a good idea, and you can’t offer that child the best life if you can’t even take care of yourself.

It’s important for adoptees to realize that the vast majority of birthmoms carry emotional scars for a lifetime after losing a child to adoption. You don’t carry a child in your womb for 9 months, and then just put it out of your mind. Birthmothers never forget the children that they lose.

This is not to say that there aren’t some women who willingly give up children and don’t look back, but for most birthmothers, they carry their child in their heart for a lifetime, whether or not they ever carried that child in their arms.

For adoptees with abandonment issues, please know that EFT can give you tremendous relief from any pain and anger that you may be feeling, and can lead you to a place of peace in your heart.

Back to No More Adoption Pain

No, I’m not an adoptee myself.  But I am the owner of the Finding in Florida reunion registry, as well as the Finding in Florida Mailing List, which is about 350 strong.  I’ve worked with adoptees and birth families for 16 years.  I’ve also facilitated 2 different adoption search and support groups in my local area.  I’ve dealt with LOTS of adoptees over the years.

The most common pain I’ve found with adoptees is the pain of abandonment.  Even if logically you know that you weren’t actually abandoned, that doesn’t seem to stop adoptees from feeling that way.  Over the last 16 years I’ve worked with many adoptees who felt a lot of pain because some part of them believed that their birthmother didn’t love them enough to keep them.  The belief doesn’t have to be logical.  It doesn’t have to make sense.  It just has to BE there to cause emotional pain.

Another common kind of pain for adoptees is that of not feeling that they fit in and are truly a part of their adoptive family.  This is especially true if the adoptive parents have biological children along with adopted children.  Again, this doesn’t have to be logical.  Some adoptees, despite being loved and well cared for, grow up feeling that they are outsiders.  Feeling that you never really fit in with your family can be a source of great pain. 

If you are dealing with this kind of pain, EFT can bring you tremendous relief.  EFT can give you peace of mind, and allow you to comfortable with your situation and your life.

Not everyone is ready or willing to book sessions with a practitioner to deal with their issues, but EFT is so easy to learn and to use that many people can find relief on their own.

No More Adoption Pain features a chart showing the most common EFT tapping points, as well as some general directions for tapping.  In 5 minutes you can be tapping yourself, and discovering the power of EFT. 

We would love to be able to help you with a FREE session, but if you’re not ready for that, please consider visiting the website and giving EFT a try.  You won’t be sorry you did, and once you’ve mastered EFT, you’ll find it useful in all kinds of ways.  EFT can be used for stress, anxiety, anger, headaches, and many other things.

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