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Fear of abandonment is a a very common issue for adoptees, as is anger over having been abandoned by their birthmother. After all, if their own biological mother didn’t care enough to stick around and be a part of their life, why should anyone else?

Sadly, many adoptees blame themselves on some deep level that even they don’t really understand. They think that there is something wrong with them, and that’s why the woman who gave birth to them didn’t keep and raise them. Although I’ve never heard of a single case in which this was true in nearly 20 years of working with adoptees and birth families, the feeling is widespread among adoptees.

Adoptees with a fear of abandonment often find it hard to build or sustain relationships with others. For some, they find it easier to hold other people back emotionally in order to avoid involvement, than to open up and let themselves be vulnerable. abandoned

When the very first important person in your life, the woman who carried and gave birth to you, runs off and leaves you, it becomes difficult to trust other people, and to believe that they won’t run off too. Why open yourself up to a potential world of hurt when you can just hide behind that emotional wall you’ve built and keep everyone out? Your history has proven to you that you can’t depend on others to be there for you. It’s not safe to let down that wall. As surely as you do, you’ll be hurt.

Having these kinds of trust and abandonment issues can get in the way of you living your life happily.  EFT can help, though.  Click on the “What The Heck is EFT?” link and find out more about what EFT is, how it works, and what the tapping points are.  Then give the script below a try!

Tapping Script For Fear of Abandonment

Setup: Karate chop:

  • Even though I feel like I can’t trust anyone in my life to stick around and be there for me, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.
  • Even though my birthmother abandoned me and now I’m afraid that everyone else will abandon me too, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.
  • Even though I’d rather keep people at a distance from me than to let them into my life and take a chance that they might hurt me, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself, and I’m considering that it might be time to work on those feelings.

Eyebrow: It’s hard for me to let people into my life
Outside eye: I’m so scared that they’ll abandon me
Under eye: It’s easier to just keep my walls up to protect myself
Under nose: Then to let down the walls and maybe get hurt
Chin: My own birthmother abandoned me
Collar bone: And I never understood why she’d do that
Under arm: I just know that I don’t want to get hurt again
Top of head: So I keep my walls up to keep people away.

Eyebrow: I don’t feel safe when I let myself be vulnerable
Outside eye: Because I don’t feel like I can really depend on anyone else
Under eye: But maybe it’s time to start letting go of that fear
Under nose: And to letting down those walls of mine
Chin: Starting to release my fear of abandonment
Collar bone: A little at a time, in a way that feels safe for me
Under arm: Starting to tear down those walls
Top of head: One brick at a time.

Eyebrow: I have people around me who do care about me
Outside eye: And I can open up my life and my heart to them
Under eye: Releasing my fears about trusting other people
Under nose: Continuing to pull down those protective walls
Chin: Letting go of more and more of that fear of abandonment
Collar bone: Finding the courage to open myself up
Under arm: And starting to feel more connected with the people in my life
Top of head: As I let go of the last of my fear of abandonment.

Visit my website here: Seeking Serenity.

As I write this blog post, I’m mad…really mad. I got a phone call from an adoptee. This isn’t an adoptee that I know, it’s a complete stranger who reached out to me, knowing that I had been running an online reunion registry for many years. Her issue? Her adoptive parents refuse to tell her one single thing about her birth family!

This young woman was very upset. It was clear that finding her birth family was important to her. It was something that she wanted very badly. Her voice was filled with emotion, and it was obvious that she was crying. If the importance of this was so very clear to me, an absolute stranger, how could the parents that raised her turn their backs on her and refuse to help or support her?

I’m sorry, people, but I don’t and never will understand this mindset. As a mother myself, I can’t imagine refusing to help one of my kids with something as important to them as finding her birthfamily was to this adoptee.

It’s bad enough that government conspires against adoptees in most states, and refuses to let them find out who they are and where they come from. Even something as basic and critical as family medical history is denied adoptees. I have personally known several adoptees who died because they were unaware of a medical history that put them at risk. This is unacceptable!

In my mind, the final insult is the refusal of some parents to support their sons and daughters in their desire to find their families of origin. Not every adoptee wants to search, but many adoptees feel that this is of importance in their lives, and when this is the case, it is vital for adoptive parents to support their sons and daughters through this process.

This is NOT a post including a lovely tapping script, because the main person who needs to tap right now is ME!

“Even though it infuriates me that this young woman’s parents refuse to support her in her search…”

Back to EFT4adoption.

I’ve been working with adoptees for nearly 20 years now, and I thought I had heard pretty much every regret there was to hear from an adoptee, but yesterday I heard one I hadn’t heard before, and it caused me to feel a profound sadness.

An adoptee contacted me about scheduling an EFT session, and on my intake form she said that one of her biggest regrets was having been born. She was feeling abandoned by her birth family, but also apparently never really felt like she was a part of her adoptive family, so she was feeling totally isolated and alone, and wished she hadn’t been born.

By the end of our conversation this adoptee realized that she wasn’t feeling strong enough to face her demons, so no session was scheduled, but I was left feeling that I needed to reach out none the less.

I dedicate the tapping script below to the adoptees who feel totally alone in the world. Please know that you’re not.

Setup:

Even though I feel like I’m completely alone in the world and don’t belong anywhere, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.

Even though I feel so alone that I wish I’d never been born, and that’s a terrible way to feel, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.

Even though I feel isolated and alone, and my birth family didn’t want me, but I don’t feel like part of my adoptive family either, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself, and I choose to consider that there are people in my life who love me and care about me.

Reminders:

Eyebrow: I feel so alone in the world
Side of eye: I don’t feel like I have a family
Under eye: My birth family didn’t want me
Under nose: But I don’t feel like a part of my adoptive family
Chin: I’m tired of feeling so alone in the world
Collar bone: I wish I’d never been born
Under arm: This is so painful for me
Top of head: And I’m tired of hurting and feeling alone.

Eyebrow: I don’t have a family
Side of eye: Or maybe I do
Under eye: I’m completely alone in the world
Under nose: Or maybe I’m not
Chin: I feel so isolated and alone
Collar bone: But maybe I need to find another way to look at that
Under arm: Maybe I have people around me
Top of head: Who genuinely care.

Eyebrow: Choosing to work on releasing the feeling of isolation
Side of eye: Letting that feeling drain right out of my body
Under eye: Choosing to recognize the people around me
Under nose: Who truly do care about me
Chin: Letting go of the feelings of loneliness and isolation
Collar bone: Letting those feelings flow
Under arm: And then letting them go
Top of head: Replacing them with an energy of peace and healing.

Back to EFT4adoption.

Trust is a big issue in the lives of many people, but this is especially true for adoptees. Much of this lack of trust goes back to feelings of abandonment. In the words of Nancy Verrier, “It is difficult to face the fact that by definition every adopted child is an abandoned child, who has suffered a devastating loss. No matter that the adoptive parents call it relinquishment and the birth mother calls it surrender, the child experiences it as abandonment.”

Because this abandonment happens so early that there is not a conscious memory of it, many adoptees aren’t really even sure why they feel that way…they just know that they do. Keep in mind that although this memory may not be accessible to you, the adoptee, it is stored in your subconcious, and our subconscious has a lot to do with our normal day to day behavior.

You may not even realize that the memory is present until something happens in your life to trigger the subconcious, bringing that feeling to the forefront. Maybe as a child, your best friend deserts you to play with someone they like better. Maybe as a teen your first boyfriend tells you that he wants to break up. Any situation is which you feel that someone has abandoned you is going to trigger the feeling. Suddenly you find yourself intensely sad, or maybe intensely mad. You know this feeling….you’ve felt it before…you don’t like it. Unfortunately, there is no way to ‘turn it off’. The memory is a part of your past, whether you’re aware of it or not.

Some adoptees go through their entire lives without being able to trust the people in their lives. This is incredibly sad for all concerned. Sometimes the fear of being abandoned again is so intense that the adoptee would rather not get involved in a relationship than to take a chance on opening up to someone and then being abandoned…again.

The good news for anyone who is dealing with this issue is that EFT can help. Through EFT you can access the memory of abandonment, and you can tap your way through releasing those negative feelings. EFT can help you to get to a place in your life where you can trust others and open to relationships. Your life will be richer and fuller, and all because of a bit of tapping. Don’t take my word for it…try EFT yourself.

Adoption search is a complex topic. There are so many things that can happen during or at the end of a search that it boggles the mind.

Adoptees in search of birth families seem to have the best track record. Since they have access to non-identifying information, they have an advantage over birth family members. Their adoptive parents may also have information, even identifying information, concerning their family of origin. All of this can be extremely helpful in a search.

At the end of an adoptee’s search, the situation can go in different ways. They can find a birthmother or other birthfamily member that welcomes them with open arms. This is the happy ending that most adoptees hope for. Unfortunately, adoptees can find that their birth family (usually their birthmother) wants nothing to do with them. This is most often due to the fact that the birthmom has never confided to anyone about the child that she gave up, and years down the road, after keeping the secret for decades, they are afraid to tell the truth. This is a sad situation, but is not uncommon. Adoptees can also find at the end of their search that their birthmother is deceased. There may still be siblings who welcome them, but not all birthmoms go on to have other children, or tell the children they have about “their secret”.

A birthmother searching is more complicated. Since they are usually not entitled to non-identifying information, they often have a lot less information to use when searching. Some states have birth indexes which help in searches, but access to a birth index depends on the state in which the child was born. Birthmoms often have to bite the bullet, and pay a professional searcher to find their child. The end of a birthmom search is more up in the air than an adoptee search. Birthmothers are rejected by adoptees far more often than adoptees are rejected by birthmoms. A complicating factor for birthmoms is that once they’ve found their child, the adoptive parents may feel threatened by them, and when this happens, it usually prevents any kind of a relationship from happening, sadly.

More and more often over the last few years, I’ve seen adoptive parents helping their kids to search. These kinds of searches have the best chance of a happy ending, since the searcher has the support of their parents in their search. I’ve seen a number of wonderful reunions that came about when adoptive parents helped their children to search. When everyone is involved, and adoptive family, birthfamily and adoptee all come together as an extended family, wonderful things happen.

The most important thing for any searcher to remember is that you never know what you’ll find at the end of your search, and you need to be as prepared as possible for any eventuality.

If you are currently searching, and are feeling stressed, why not try a little EFT to rid yourself of the stress?

Setup Statement:
Even though I am really scared about what I may find at the end of my search, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
Reminder Phrases:
This fear, what will I find?, this fear, searching is scary, I choose to transform this fear, into an energy of healing, I choose to release negative feelings, and embrace positive feelings.

Back to No More Adoption Pain

Anger — we all feel it, but not many people find it acceptable. When we were children, most of us were encouraged not to show our anger, and we carried that habit over into adulthood. We get angry about all kinds of things, but we’ve learned over time how to “stuff those feelings down”. Maybe we smoke a cigarette, maybe we have a drink, or maybe we go around the block until we’ve walked it off, but we seldom let others see or know that we’re angry.

There is lots of anger in the adoption triad. We’ve got angry adoptees, angry birthmothers and angry adoptive parents. To each of us, our anger feel justified, and it may be.

Adoptees are often angry because they feel that they’ve been abandoned. In their minds, their birthmother saw them as an inconvenience, and it was far easier to let somebody else raise their child than to raise it themselves. Very seldom is this actually true, but lots of adoptees feel this way.

Other adoptees are angry that they have been, as they see it, victimized by the adoption community. The decision about where and how they would live their lives was made by others, and even as adults they’re not allowed to know about their families of origin. This is an anger that I feel is well justified, and I’d like to think that at some point the system will be reformed so that adult adoptees can always find out where they came from. Everyone deserves that right.

Birthmothers have their share of anger. Many are angry at their families and “the system” for forcing them to relinquish children that they didn’t want to give up. That anger is intensified by the fact that birthmoms are not expected to or encouraged to express grief over the loss of their child, but are instead told to “forget it and move on”.

Birthmothers have virtually no rights when it comes to getting non-identifying information so that they can find their children. That makes it mighty hard for a birthmom to search and find. This is still another reason (again, justified) for anger on the part of birthmoms.

Adoptive parents feel that they have plenty to be angry about, too. Many get angry at their children if they decide to search for their birthfamily. They feel betrayed, theatened, or just plain jealous, and therefore they are angry. Some are also angry at birth family members who have found their children. These parents harbor the feeling that once relinquishment papers are signed, a birth parent has given up any right to ever know the child.

So much anger, for so many reasons… Anger is usually an uncomfortable thing to deal with, and we end up with guilt on top of that anger. EFT is the most effective method that I’ve ever found for dealing with anger. Once you zero in on an incident that made you angry, and tap through 2 or 3 rounds, the anger is often totally gone, and you are left with a feeling of peace and calmness that is far more pleasant than anger.

Why not give EFT a try for your anger? Five minutes of tapping might just give you the relief that you’ve been hoping for.

Back to No More Adoption Pain

No, I’m not an adoptee myself.  But I am the owner of the Finding in Florida reunion registry, as well as the Finding in Florida Mailing List, which is about 350 strong.  I’ve worked with adoptees and birth families for 16 years.  I’ve also facilitated 2 different adoption search and support groups in my local area.  I’ve dealt with LOTS of adoptees over the years.

The most common pain I’ve found with adoptees is the pain of abandonment.  Even if logically you know that you weren’t actually abandoned, that doesn’t seem to stop adoptees from feeling that way.  Over the last 16 years I’ve worked with many adoptees who felt a lot of pain because some part of them believed that their birthmother didn’t love them enough to keep them.  The belief doesn’t have to be logical.  It doesn’t have to make sense.  It just has to BE there to cause emotional pain.

Another common kind of pain for adoptees is that of not feeling that they fit in and are truly a part of their adoptive family.  This is especially true if the adoptive parents have biological children along with adopted children.  Again, this doesn’t have to be logical.  Some adoptees, despite being loved and well cared for, grow up feeling that they are outsiders.  Feeling that you never really fit in with your family can be a source of great pain. 

If you are dealing with this kind of pain, EFT can bring you tremendous relief.  EFT can give you peace of mind, and allow you to comfortable with your situation and your life.

Not everyone is ready or willing to book sessions with a practitioner to deal with their issues, but EFT is so easy to learn and to use that many people can find relief on their own.

No More Adoption Pain features a chart showing the most common EFT tapping points, as well as some general directions for tapping.  In 5 minutes you can be tapping yourself, and discovering the power of EFT. 

We would love to be able to help you with a FREE session, but if you’re not ready for that, please consider visiting the website and giving EFT a try.  You won’t be sorry you did, and once you’ve mastered EFT, you’ll find it useful in all kinds of ways.  EFT can be used for stress, anxiety, anger, headaches, and many other things.

Back to No More Adoption Pain