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Fear of abandonment is a a very common issue for adoptees, as is anger over having been abandoned by their birthmother. After all, if their own biological mother didn’t care enough to stick around and be a part of their life, why should anyone else?

Sadly, many adoptees blame themselves on some deep level that even they don’t really understand. They think that there is something wrong with them, and that’s why the woman who gave birth to them didn’t keep and raise them. Although I’ve never heard of a single case in which this was true in nearly 20 years of working with adoptees and birth families, the feeling is widespread among adoptees.

Adoptees with a fear of abandonment often find it hard to build or sustain relationships with others. For some, they find it easier to hold other people back emotionally in order to avoid involvement, than to open up and let themselves be vulnerable. abandoned

When the very first important person in your life, the woman who carried and gave birth to you, runs off and leaves you, it becomes difficult to trust other people, and to believe that they won’t run off too. Why open yourself up to a potential world of hurt when you can just hide behind that emotional wall you’ve built and keep everyone out? Your history has proven to you that you can’t depend on others to be there for you. It’s not safe to let down that wall. As surely as you do, you’ll be hurt.

Having these kinds of trust and abandonment issues can get in the way of you living your life happily.  EFT can help, though.  Click on the “What The Heck is EFT?” link and find out more about what EFT is, how it works, and what the tapping points are.  Then give the script below a try!

Tapping Script For Fear of Abandonment

Setup: Karate chop:

  • Even though I feel like I can’t trust anyone in my life to stick around and be there for me, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.
  • Even though my birthmother abandoned me and now I’m afraid that everyone else will abandon me too, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.
  • Even though I’d rather keep people at a distance from me than to let them into my life and take a chance that they might hurt me, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself, and I’m considering that it might be time to work on those feelings.

Eyebrow: It’s hard for me to let people into my life
Outside eye: I’m so scared that they’ll abandon me
Under eye: It’s easier to just keep my walls up to protect myself
Under nose: Then to let down the walls and maybe get hurt
Chin: My own birthmother abandoned me
Collar bone: And I never understood why she’d do that
Under arm: I just know that I don’t want to get hurt again
Top of head: So I keep my walls up to keep people away.

Eyebrow: I don’t feel safe when I let myself be vulnerable
Outside eye: Because I don’t feel like I can really depend on anyone else
Under eye: But maybe it’s time to start letting go of that fear
Under nose: And to letting down those walls of mine
Chin: Starting to release my fear of abandonment
Collar bone: A little at a time, in a way that feels safe for me
Under arm: Starting to tear down those walls
Top of head: One brick at a time.

Eyebrow: I have people around me who do care about me
Outside eye: And I can open up my life and my heart to them
Under eye: Releasing my fears about trusting other people
Under nose: Continuing to pull down those protective walls
Chin: Letting go of more and more of that fear of abandonment
Collar bone: Finding the courage to open myself up
Under arm: And starting to feel more connected with the people in my life
Top of head: As I let go of the last of my fear of abandonment.

Visit my website here: Seeking Serenity.

Trust is a big issue in the lives of many people, but this is especially true for adoptees. Much of this lack of trust goes back to feelings of abandonment. In the words of Nancy Verrier, “It is difficult to face the fact that by definition every adopted child is an abandoned child, who has suffered a devastating loss. No matter that the adoptive parents call it relinquishment and the birth mother calls it surrender, the child experiences it as abandonment.”

Because this abandonment happens so early that there is not a conscious memory of it, many adoptees aren’t really even sure why they feel that way…they just know that they do. Keep in mind that although this memory may not be accessible to you, the adoptee, it is stored in your subconcious, and our subconscious has a lot to do with our normal day to day behavior.

You may not even realize that the memory is present until something happens in your life to trigger the subconcious, bringing that feeling to the forefront. Maybe as a child, your best friend deserts you to play with someone they like better. Maybe as a teen your first boyfriend tells you that he wants to break up. Any situation is which you feel that someone has abandoned you is going to trigger the feeling. Suddenly you find yourself intensely sad, or maybe intensely mad. You know this feeling….you’ve felt it before…you don’t like it. Unfortunately, there is no way to ‘turn it off’. The memory is a part of your past, whether you’re aware of it or not.

Some adoptees go through their entire lives without being able to trust the people in their lives. This is incredibly sad for all concerned. Sometimes the fear of being abandoned again is so intense that the adoptee would rather not get involved in a relationship than to take a chance on opening up to someone and then being abandoned…again.

The good news for anyone who is dealing with this issue is that EFT can help. Through EFT you can access the memory of abandonment, and you can tap your way through releasing those negative feelings. EFT can help you to get to a place in your life where you can trust others and open to relationships. Your life will be richer and fuller, and all because of a bit of tapping. Don’t take my word for it…try EFT yourself.